Two times he lost her
by HeartByTheOcean
Summary: The first time was suffocating. The second time.. it was unbearable. Two short scenes from our favourite FBI agent's point of view about when his partner died. Or he thought she did.


The phone clenched in his hand vibrated, a quick ding indicated that he had a text. Donald Ressler stared at the television screen, his face pale and his lips numb. He had failed. He had failed to keep her safe, to clear her name, to bring her back. Bring her back to him. Her recently-dyed blonde hair spread out around her head like a halo, declaring his Liz as an angel. A beautiful angel who didnt deserve this. She had changed his life in the best possible way. The puddle of blood was startlingly red against her pale skin, her once twinkling bright blue eyes were now lifeless. Her eyes.. The ones that lit up when she laughed, the ones that could send a thousand words with a single look, the ones that made him feel safe. Her eyes. They were now two grainy dots of blue on the news, dull and dead. He gasped for air, people around him sending glances of concern. He didnt care. He held onto the chair in front of him like it was the only thing keeping him alive. She was dead. A strangled sob escaped his lips and his heart felt like it was going to explode. His partner, his friend, his Liz. She was gone. Dead. Dead because of him. It had been his fault. He didn't get there in time, he didn't rescue her, he was meant to save her. His legs felt weak and he gripped harder to the back of the chair. It was like Audrey again but this time it was so much worse. He had loved Audrey, more than he had loved anyone. She had come back into his life and he had never been so happy. When she was taken from him, when his child was taken from him, he didnt think he could handle it. He had started drugs as a way to relieve the pain but he had replaced them with something else. Her. Liz. She was the one he turned for when he needed help, the one he leant on when he couldn't stand by himself anymore. And she- Oh god, she had become his saviour. She had become his drug and he was hopelessly addicted.

He didn't exactly know when he started looking forward to seeing her walk in (usually late) to their shared office, when her laughter became his reason to exist, when he could gladly stare into those bright blue eyes for hours, when he could read her like an open book, when her life meant more to him than his own, when his heart thumped if she brushed his shoulder or gave him a gentle squeeze, when he started looking at her lips when no-one was looking, when she had become his reason and his life revolved around her. When she had made him fall head over heels in love with her. He hadn't told anyone. How could he? They would take him off the case immediately and give it to some scoundrel working in the Cabal. So he kept it to himself. When he had confronted her on that fateful day at the Post Office, he hadn't known what to do. He wanted her near so he could protect her. But deep within his heart he knew he couldn't. So he let her go. Just for her to shoot the Attorney General. She could have just shot him, that was what it felt like. Those first few weeks, he had raged. He had driven himself to find her, bring her in. Aram and Samar had been worried, checking in on him every chance they could but he pushed them away. He worked fiercely, barely getting any sleep at night. He would bring her in. He _would._ Then everything would be okay again. But he didn't. He failed. And now she was dead. Gone. And he regretted everything he had done the past month. He should've helped her. God knows she would've helped him, no matter the situation. Realisation was beginning to creep upon him and his knuckles turned white as he gripped the chair harder. She was gone.

His phone vibrated again and he wanted to chuck it across the room. He didn't care anymore. Did it matter if the Cabal had won? They already had by taking her from him. He felt the tears prickle in his eyes and blinked furiously to be rid of them. But he looked at it. His phone. He needed to stop thinking about her, even if it was just for a second. The text was from Aram. With trembling fingers, he opened it.

 _Did you see the news? Please don't be mad, it was Red's idea. This way we can take her name off the site._

It took him a while to process it. She was alive. Colour flushed into his face and he inhaled sharply. She was alive she was alive she was alive. He bowed his head and tried to control his ragged breathing. He had never felt more relieved. A small spark of anger flashed within him. How dare she die and scare him like that? If she were here, they'd have gotten into another shouting match, their words dancing round each other like perfect partners in a waltz. But then the anger abated and was replaced by fear. The fear gripped his heart. She could have really been dead. It wasn't hard, a bullet to the head or being ran over by a car. The Cabal wouldn't think twice about wrapping a plastic bag round her head. But right now, she was alive. In that moment, in that second, Donald promised something to himself. He wouldn't let anything harm her. He would bring her in because every day she was out there was another chance they could lose her. And he wouldn't- couldn't lose her.

 **What did you think? I'm so obsessed with these two because they really are so perfect!**

 **I'll upload the second chapter (about when she dies...again) in a few days**

 **Hope you liked it! Scribble me a review**

 **~HeartByTheOcean xoxo**


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